TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION is the best movie ever… 

That’s what I would be saying if I lived on “Bizarro World,” but thankfully I live in the real world and the nicest thing I can say about this mindless over-bloated mess is… “Well, that happened.” 

I’m not going to spend much time on the plot here, as it didn’t quite make any sense to me. Our government has decided that the Earth is better off with out the Transformers (good or bad) and are systematically hunting them down. But that’s only a rouse to get as much “Transformium” metal in order to create our own Transformers that we can control. 

Meanwhile bounty hunter Transformers (cleverly hiding in a massive spaceship the size of a city that no ones seems to notice) have arrived to also help clean up the mess and are willing to give humans a “seed” to make more Transformium in exchange for Optimus Prime himself. Evidently the beings who originally made the Transformers have a bone to pick with their creations. 

Fortunately single dad Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg) finds Optimus Prime and together with his spunky daughter Tessa (Nicola Peltz) and her hunky boyfriend Shane (Jack Reynor) they team up to take on, not only the CIA, the military and a Multinational weapons corporation, but bad Transformers and the bounty hunters. Needless to say it’s a long day for Cade et al. 

I don’t even know where to start… 

I get that I’m not the target audience for this film. As a matter of fact, the theater was made up of mostly young kids who all applauded at the end. As for me, I wanted to tear my eyeballs out and stick an ice pick in each ear after the first 20 min. 

It’s just a cacophony of shapes and noise with cursory “human” moments forced in as if they’re an afterthought. The only thing that kept me amused was that Reynor’s character and accents (Australian at one point?) kept constantly changing that he seemed to be playing a different role every time he appeared on screen. 

The only positive I can come up with is that at least in this Transformers film, I could visually tell which robot I was supposed to be routing for when they fought one another.

JULY 1, 2014